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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.