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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.