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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.