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I put the o in illiterate!
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Relationship Status: eating
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Word for today: Dipshidiot
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.