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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.