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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"