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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.