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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
This headache feels like dumb people
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.