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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.