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I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Iām sick of closing out every job interview with āI was young. I needed the money.ā
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Iām thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.