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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
Iām in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
The secret to success is in my bra.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..