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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.