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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.