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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2