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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.