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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.