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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
I was born to be happy… not normal.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right