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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”