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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
This status has been censored by Facebook
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?