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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.