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I order all my food with extra gluten.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?