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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles