Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.