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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!