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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
I`m tired of things costing money
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.