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I`m going to make a bucket list: Things I`m going to do before I kick the bucket. Number 1: WEAR SHOES!!!
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.