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When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.