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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Carfax but for people
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.