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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!