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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!