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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.