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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.