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I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...