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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss