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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Some people should come with subtitles.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.