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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie