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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
it`s friday o clock
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late