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Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.