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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.