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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?