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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?