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Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!