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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.