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Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.