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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!