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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours