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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm