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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.