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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.