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People will do odd things to get even.
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?