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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
How Big is Infinity?
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.