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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media