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Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.