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When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?