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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Line forms here for spankings
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`