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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.