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Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.