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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.