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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown