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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.