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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.