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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Save water- shower with me!
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?