Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.