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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.