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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.