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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.