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I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.