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Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug