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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies Iām going to pay with.
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
I play hard to get along with.