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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.