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I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
I say the things better left unsaid.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"