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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.