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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.