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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?