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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...