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1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Sometimes it looks like Iām flashing gang signs, but really Iām just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?