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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up