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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.