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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!