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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes