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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.