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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
pumpkin for sale, slightly used
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.