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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.