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Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.