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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Breaking News: I took a bath today
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.