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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.