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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.