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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
No pants are the best pants.
It takes balls to be a man.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.