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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.