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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...