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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.