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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.