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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before