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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.