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The fox says you need to stop.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.