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Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.