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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.