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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.