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Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.