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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.