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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
it`s friday o clock
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.