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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
Some people should come with subtitles.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes