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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.