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I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.