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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
whats the difference between a dog and a fox????? six shots
AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.