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I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome