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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.