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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.