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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I fake my LOLs
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
It should really be called teethpaste.