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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.