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Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I only accept apologies in cash.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure