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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.